Friends

Educators in preschool and school-age care often use the word "friends" to describe an entire class or group of children. Last week on the NAEYC Hello Forum, people discussed that by using the term friends, are educators implying that all the children in a classroom are friends.

Joining in on the conversation, I shared this response.

"In my school-age care experience, educators refer to the children by name. When gathering as a group and using a word to describe all the people present, we use the term "everyone," "everybody," some type of generic term. If an educator uses the term "friends," this is an acknowledgment. We are saying to the children that friends are the people they have chosen as companions. Friends are connections the children develop based on meaning and criteria that are important to the child. The educators are not saying everyone is a friend. All children and educators are part of the learning community where all people treat each other with respect and care. In our learning community, the term "friends" are the people the children look to as a companion or collaborators. The depth of friendships varies depending on how the relationship develops. Everyone in the learning community has the potential to be a friend. The child decides who is in their relationship circle and who is a "friend."

After joining the discussion, I thought more about friendship in our learning community.

Children learn about friendship from a young age. All persons in the learning community have the potential to be a friend. Children form friendships as they move away from parallel play and into more complex play. Friendship is learning about another person. In a friendship, people share ideas, engage in compromise, and form agreements. In the classroom, children learn and discover the journey of forming friendships.

An adult pronouncing that all persons in our learning community are friends does not ring true to a child. Children know about the experience of forming friendships and observe adults interact in a world where everyone is not a friend.  The people children call a friend is their choice. Children have feelings and opinions about others and develop criteria for the persons they want to spend time with. 

Children and educators work together to create agreements for how learning community members interact, friends or not. Agreements are the guidepost for living in a community. Our role as educators is to talk with the children when they struggle to honor our community agreements. Learning about living and working in a community differs from being friends with someone.

Every learning community is unique. Each community creates agreements that fit the culture of the people within. The children in your care have their own beliefs and form friendships and connections with others based on specific criteria. Our role as educators is to be genuine. We respect the child's learning journey, including choosing who to call a friend.

What does "friend" mean to the children and the educators in your learning community?