Rules versus Agreements

Guiding children as they learn social skills is a large part of our practice as school-age educators as children experiment with social interactions. Many educators believe school-age children are motivated by rules and offer guidance with a strict structure, limits, and rewards. 

What motivates school-age children to be part of the learning community?

Are school-age children's actions motivated by rules alone? Webster's describes a rule as "A prescribed guide for conduct or action of an accepted procedure, custom, or habit." The further definition says a rule is "the exercise of authority or control." I started thinking about rules in school-age care because it is a subject often discussed among educators. Some educators define the relationship between children and adults by characterizing the children that follow the rules and children that struggle with rules. 

Let's look at the difference between rules and agreements. Webster's definition of an agreement is "a harmony of opinion, action, or character." Or "harmony and accordance in opinion or feeling." As educators, we could invite school-age children to collaborate and create agreements. Then many behavior challenges would go away. Agreements create program environments that support and promote children. Agreements help children express themselves, highlight positive actions, and motivate children to engage in positive acts. 

Children are happy and develop better in an environment of harmony. Children want to be in relationships with others. Rules are not about relationships; they are about control. One person decides for another what actions are acceptable and unacceptable. The most powerful group member gets to choose the rules for everyone and determines the punishment for breaking them. Rules have a singular focus. What matters is the rule and not the human behind the actions or the motivation for their actions. Rules dehumanize children and ask them to be perfect. None of us is perfect.

Agreements offer an opportunity for collaboration, connection, and communication and acknowledge that structure and order are essential in society. We need agreements for people to get along. Agreements recognize that people are the most important part of the relationship. All people need a voice in creating guidelines for living together. Children must be part of the guideline-making process in a school-age program. 

The process of creating agreements may be challenging. All children have a first teacher, their parents, who significantly influence a school-age child and frame their social interactions.

All parents teach their children expectations for treating others and influence the agreements children are comfortable creating. Creating agreements in school-age care is a process of trial and error. It becomes easier as children get to know each other. Unlike rules, agreements are a living, breathing set of guidelines that change over time. Programs often revisit guidelines as the children grow and mature. Changes also occur when new children join a program.

We can choose to move away from rules being the final say in all social engagements in school-age care and move toward a more balanced approach that involves all members of the learning community. Educators, children, and parents can be co-constructors of agreements for their learning community based on the values they hold. Agreements for each program will be different, as they fill the needs of that community and the people in it. Children come together to co-construct knowledge. The same principle can be successful in building relationships through agreements.

I would encourage educators in school-age care to examine the rules that guide your program. Take a hard look to see if rules are a benefit. Do rules foster growth and well-being for yourself and the children. Do rules help create better relationships with the parents in your program. I took a long look at the effect rules had on our learning community members. I knew a change had to occur. How about you?

Are rules the guiding light of your program?